


Kicked Out

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, I'm obsessed with writing alpha kid and dirkjane fics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-24
Updated: 2013-06-25
Packaged: 2017-12-16 01:15:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/856094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A dirkjane fanfic which isn't really dirkjane until like the end, but if you enjoy the alpha kids this'll be good.<br/>I think. (Fanfic on hiatus)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The alarm blared. It was time to get ready for Roxy’s “Super-mega-awesome-fun week” that was planned for months and months. Jane groaned as she lazily stretched. It was seven am; couldn’t she sleep until ten or something? Yawning, she tried to fall back asleep, but the million alarms and texts from Miss Lalonde herself kept her from gaining the full eight hours she wants to require. She got up with a groan. Why did this have to be today, after her dad’s “adult party” last night? She barely got any sleep at all! Shutting off the alarms and inching towards the edge of her bed, she hit a stuffed animal and rolled off it with a thud. That really hurt. Getting up, she grabbed her glasses from the nightstand. The day had barely begun, and the sun was just peaking out from the horizon. Jane stood up and groggily walked to her bathroom to get ready. She started the shower to warm up, then got her shampoo and took off her pajamas and glasses to freshen up. After the shower, she wrapped herself in a towel and brushed her teeth while humming. Must start the day with a good mood, right? It was going to be great! She washed her face and put on her underwear and bra while blow drying her hair. It was much easier having it short. She did her makeup and made sure that her glasses didn’t have a single smudge. Some people could call her a perfectionist, but she just wanted to look acceptable. Brushing her hair, she walked into her room and opened the closet door to look for outfits. Settling on a nice red sleeveless shirt with white denim shorts, she put them on and grabbed her tiaratop to talk to Roxy when she walked downstairs.

The kitchen was deserted and smelled like alcohol from last night as Jane walked downstairs. There were party decorations up as she made herself a bagel with Nutella and drank some orange juice with an apple cut up. Her breakfast was this normally, because of her dad working. The bagel got hazelnut spread everywhere, leaving her to clean it up. It was just a normal day in the Crocker household. Outside, a car horn beeped as Roxy Lalonde pulled up in her pink convertible. “Hey Janey, get in!” She yelled. Jane nodded. “I’m coming!” She said as she wrote a note to her dad explaining that she left for the week. She was a legal adult after all. Grabbing her purse and phone and bag she had packed beforehand, she ran out the door to meet her friend in the car. The two rode with the car hood down, ready for the best week of their lives. 

Meanwhile, in the apartment complex, another alarm was ringing. Dirk shut off the radio and got straight up. HE had slept all day yesterday, knowing he’d be up early today. Grabbing his brush and hair gel, he styled his hair like he always did. Taking off his shirt and throwing it on the ground, he found a red cutoff t shirt that belonged to his bro, put it on, and got black baggy shorts. Grabbing his bag with “the stuff” Jake told him to bring; he smiled to himself and got in Jake’s car that needed returning. Driving to Jake’s house, he put on the 90s alternative rock station on the radio. It was much better than that autotuned shit anyway. Pulling up at his best bro’s driveway, he got out of the car and walked up to Jake’s door. Knocking, he saw his friend through the window in his underwear hopping up to his room. “One second, Strider! I’ll be right there!” said Jake, pulling up his pant leg and throwing on a shirt as he fell down the stairs. Getting situated, he opened the door casually. “So….. Hey Dirk….” Jake said, trying to smooth it over. “Jake, I saw all of that.” 

“Shoot.”

“On the other hand, did you bring your stuff?” Jake held out a bag with the things he had said he would bring. Dirk did the same with his bag. They nodded as they walked into the car, Jake driving and Dirk in the passenger’s seat. “Remember your seatbelt! We may get into a car crash!” Dirk rolled his eyes. “Yeah, and we’re also going to blow up in a freak accident. You’re driving, what could go wrong?”   
“Just put your seatbelt on, Dirk. It’s illegal not to.” 

“Okay, Fine.” Dirk replied as he put his seatbelt on. “There, was that hard? It’s only a ten minute drive anyway. We’ll be there in no time, and then pull off the greatest thing to happen in a century.” The two turned up the music and drove into the city, excited for a really cool week.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane and Roxy chat as Dirk and Jake do something really stupid

The girls talked and talked in the car. The radio channels alternated from The Beatles to Maroon 5 to Tom Petty to Taylor Swift to the Rolling Stones to Macklemore. They both had very different preferences. “So Jane, how’s my BFFLFEAE?” 

“Your B-F-F-L-E what?”

Roxy rolled her eyes. “My best friend for life for ever and ever, duh! Come on, keep up with the times!” 

“Yeah, and we ALL know what that means.” Jane replied sarcastically. It was one of the first times she’s been out with friends all summer, so this was going to be great! “I’m doing fine. I finished with school, so I think I may get a job, but I don’t know yet. It’s been going normal, I guess.” She turned up the radio, which was on the pop channel but she didn’t care. They sung along for about five songs, knowing all the words. The car kept at the speed limit (thankfully) and by the end of the last song they could sing, they sat back, laughing. “This is going to be the BEST. WEEK. EVER!” Roxy proclaimed as they squealed with delight. “So what do you have planned for our merry band of idiots and losers this week?” Jane asked. “Well, I would tell you, but it would ruin the surprise!” Roxy said as she smiled widely. “We meet up with the guys later today. Jake said they have something planned. Not sure where that’s going though.”

“It’s probably dangerous and or terribly stupid.”

“Yeah, pretty much. Oh look, we’re almost there!” Roxy pointed at a sign. “We’re going to the mall! It’ll be fun. And in our super super-mega-awesome-fun week jar that we all contributed to, we have enough money for a little shopping spree! Jake and Dirk bought these weird things off the internet. He wouldn’t tell me what they are, though. Something to do with where they’re going.” Jane blinked. A shopping spree? She wasn’t that good with shopping. But they get money, so oh well, she’s going to spend it all. “Oh yay! We get to go shopping! This’ll be great! I’m so excited!” They both squealed again. “And maaaaaaaybe,” Roxy said in a singsong voice. “There’ll be hot guys there!” Gulping, Jane sweat a bit. Her flirting skills weren’t so great, her tendency to date guys isn’t that peachy keen, and her physical appearance looks nothing like Roxy’s, who is breathtakingly gorgeous. Well to her as a BFFLEwhatever, anyways. And neither of them are homosexuals. Technically. “Yeah, maybe. So when we meet up with the guys then they can inspect them to see if they’re ‘worthy’.” Jane said, thinking of all the other times guys got sent home crying from Jake and Dirk’s ‘inspections’. “Yeah, let’s hope not. Maybe we can throw in quotes from chick flicks to make them like us.” 

“I’ve only seen Pitch Perfect and Mean Girls.”

“That’s all you need, Janey. That’s all you need.”

The car pulled up into the mall parking lot. “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.” Roxy said. “It’s packed.” Jane looked around. It was packed. Almost every parking space was filled. “What if we wait until someone pulls out?” They both nodded and turned up the music again. They waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, after exactly 32 minutes and 51 seconds (but who was counting?) someone pulled out of their car, and Roxy’s car practically materialized into the spot. “Thank god.” Jane exclaimed. ‘Uh huh.” Roxy replied with as they put the hood of the car up and walked in.

The other car was, well, what guys normally do, except with two extremely dorky guys. “So we change in the bathroom, then all hell breaks loose, correct?” Jake asked. Dirk nodded. The music was really loud anyway. The plan was simple: The two guys run around the mall with their respective items, and they see how long they can last without dying of sweatiness. It was foolproof. Technically. They pulled up in the parking lot and got a spot in the front right away. The two guys walked into the mall, then into the bathrooms without a sound. They ran into a stall together, knowing it won’t be that awkward considering the swimming class that they were forced into where they had to wear Speedos. Dirk and Jake were masters of this art, putting on the clothes and styling. Jake came out first, in a full Lara Croft cosplay, stuffing the shirt with toilet paper. He needed the mirror to put the finishing touches on his wig. “Dirk, does this look alright?” Dirk peeked out of the stall. “Looks great.” There was a lot of hair gel and shaving involved with getting this perfect. “Hey, Jake, zip this up for me.” Dirk walked out of the stall in a cosplay (without the wig on) of Rin Kagamine from the Japanese pop sensation Vocaloid. He had a stuffed bra also, and his ringtone was set to Triple Baka if anyone tried to call him. Jake zipped up the back of his cosplay and Dirk put on his wig, styling it while Jake styled his. As soon as they were perfect as could be, someone walked into the bathroom, a man about fifty to sixty. Staring at them, Jake looked back. “What.” The man walked into the stall, muttering “weirdos…….” The boys smiled at each other. Now the game had begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jane was right


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake gets into a little bit of a mess while they cosplay, and the girls find things to buy.

The guys ran out of the bathroom as fast as they could and split up. After that, they planned to do some shopping with Dirk’s leftover money from buying the cosplay ($100 for each of them) but they had to do it in character. So Jake went to the outdoors shop and started to look at the survival gear they had, because the next stop would be to shiny things that would be in Tomb Raider. Maybe a jewelry store or something. But right now, he had to look at the knives and weapons and stuff. Just as he was checking out a pocket knife with six different setting, a bunch of fedora wearing dudebros whistled at him. “Hey babe, that knife seems dangerous! Here, let me help you.” One said as he pulled Jake back to the group. They picked him up. “How about we take you to get some breakfast, huh?” as he was carried to the nearest Chick fil a. Putting on his best girl voice, Jake said “I already ate breakfast, chaps. But I am honored by your offer.” They all surrounded him. 

"Woah, chick’s got some style. I’ll accept that.”

"But does she have style in bed?”

"Yeah, does she?”

The leader of the group, a larger guy with a YOLO shirt and snapback hat for his football team, picked him up like a baby and held him up. “Do you, fine young lady? Has anyone else….” –His hand traveled near Jake’s pants- “Done it?” Jake gulped. Girl voice sweet talk was over. In his normal voice, Jake got off of the guy, walked in the middle of the circle, put his glasses on, and spoke clearly. “Well you see, fellows, that I do indeed have style in that area, but that is no way to treat any girl. I am not going to stand to let anyone, especially two of my closest friends, go anywhere near you creeps who look down people’s panties or cat call others as if they were your property. So unless any of you want to suck my dick, stop hitting on me. It’s as if none of you have ever seen a guy cosplayer before.” And with that, he slapped the leader of the gang, gave them double pistols and a wink, and left them gaping at each other while he went to check out more weapons. 

On the other hand, Dirk spent his time in the store where he gets all of his animes, mangas, and all that other Japanese stuff. He was sitting in a Bean Bag chair, signing people’s autographs as Rin, and having very intricate conversations with the employees. When his phone rang, he put on his best voice. “Hello?” 

"Yes, Rin, this is Lara Croft. I think we need to walk together.”

"Oh, hey. And why do we need to walk together?”

"You know how feminism works?”

"Yeah…… and……”

"I fully support their rights even more. You have no clue what I went through.”

"Oh my GOD.” Dirk said, trying to restrain his laughter. “Did they, like, cat call you? Jake hesitated for a bit before answering. “……yes……” Dirk burst out laughing. “Oh my god, dude, you win, hands down. What’d you do? Wait, tell me when you get here.”  
“You’re in the anime place, aren’t you?”

“Yes. Now get over here! And if anyone tries t hit on you, say that Lara Croft has an extra muscular boyfriend named Dirk Strider. And don’t think I won’t be able to prove it.”

Jake laughed. The two actually dated for a few days, but it was never going to work out. They still joke about it, and if anyone ever makes fun of homosexuality in any way, shape, or form they wouldn’t be afraid to make out just to disgust them. But they’re just best bros. Anything more would just be silly. “Got it, Dirk ‘extra muscular’ Strider.”

“Just get over here.”

“Fine.” 

While the guys were having their conversation, Jane and Roxy were on a shop til you drop phase. They went into all kinds of stores, trying on outfits and bathing suits and also getting cool merchandise. Roxy decided that they should actually buy some outfits in the next store over, while cradling her new Luna Lovegood wand and giant Animal Crossing banner. Jane agreed while bringing her stuffed TARDIS and her Les Miserables 2012 soundtrack. They had fun looking around the store, when Roxy found a nice light pink shirt with a fluffy kitten on it. “Omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg Janey! I need to try this on. Sit by my stuff, Kay?” Jane took her stuff and nodded as they walked to the dressing rooms. There was a lot of struggling from the dressing room (Her shirt got stuck to the zipper of her pants) when she finally got the pink shirt on and came out of the dressing room. “So, how do I look?”

“Oh my god, Roxy! It suits you PERFECTLY! It looks really, really great!” 

The girls both squealed. “Jane, now it’s your turn!” Roxy said as she held the stuff. Jane ran to the section and looked around. No, nope, nah, definitely not, no way, eh, no thanks. There was nothing good for her to try on! None of it suited her. She looked around and- That. Yes, that looks perfect. She ran over to an orange strapless sundress with cyan stripes. The colors fit so perfectly together, and it was just her style. She would just need a little hat to go along with it. She grabbed it and ran into the dressing room. Trying it on wasn’t that hard, she just had to unzip her pants and put her shirt on the little chair thingy they had set up. She got the dress on and put on her trusty hat that she’s had for most of her life, and looked in the mirror. The red sandals clashed a bit, but otherwise, it looked great! Walking out of the room, she asked Roxy how it looks, and she stands there with two thumbs up. Girl language is hard to master, but these two had it down to a science. They bought the clothes and a bunch more fandom merchandise, and were ready to sit down for lunch. They were about to order when they see six burly security guards fighting their way to throw someone out. Jane squints and strains her eyes and makes out two little figures within the guards, high-fiving and laughing. “Roxy?” She said. “Yeah?” Roxy replies. “It’s them, isn’t it, Janey.”

“Yep.”  
The girls run to the security guards. “DIRK! JAKE!” Jane screams. “What are you doing this time?” Jake smiled sheepishly as he held up his wig. “Well, just wait in your car, we’ll bring you lunch in a bit!” She yelled as the guys were pushed out the door. “Our friends are idiots.” Roxy says as they wait in line for their hamburgers (Jake’s allergic to peanuts, so Chick Fil A wasn’t the best option) and get ready to pay. They nodded. When the girls got their food, Roxy returned the rented car and walked into the parking lot to give the guys their food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if it was offensive to you with the part about Jake, but someone needs to tell those douches to stop.


End file.
